Mops at Paznaz: A Safe Haven with Dr. Sharon Morris May

Valentine's Day is a good reminder for us to be more aware of our loved ones and how to keep our relationships with them as safe havens. Dr. Sharon Morris May, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of "How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen", spoke at our Feb. 4th MOPS, sharing relevant information about how we can maintain our safe havens with our spouses and children.

Dr. Sharon Morris May explains "safe havens"

In marriage, God longs for us to be in each other's safe haven, says Dr. May, just as we are under His shelter. We choose, love and are committed to our partner. Dr. May explains that Marriage is a "journey of becoming". When you have mutual trust and are physically and emotionally attuned in your relationship, then you will ultimately respond in the best interest of the both of you, even during the ups and downs of your marriage. Your goal is to always be a safe haven for your husband, and for your children too.

There are four attachment styles that affect your relationships with your spouse and children. These styles are usually developed in childhood in relation to your parents' attachment styles, but may change as you grow older and experience other relationships:

Secure - this person always trusts that someone will be there. Usually her parents were consistent safe havens during her childhood.

An Avoidant doesn't know how or doesn't want to deal with emotional issues, and shut downs instead. She is overly independent and self-sufficient, with a "I only take care of me" attitude.

Anxious - this individual doesn't really know if she is loved or not. Perhaps her parents were avoidants or "ran hot and cold". She needs to be reassured of her partner's love all the time.

A person with a Fearful style is afraid of getting hurt and losing what she has, so she will unknowingly push people away. "I want you, but you hurt me". This style may develop in childhood, or in an ongoing relationship in which she was betrayed.

Your attachment style can affect how you respond in an argument with your spouse or child. During an argument, our fears will trigger various reactions - anger, fear, anxiety. We will react in one of three ways - we fight, flee or freeze - depending on our style. Our spouse or child will react according to his or her attachment style. Dr. May recommends that in order to diffuse an argument and regain our safe havens, we need to take a 20-minute break. That is how long it takes for those stress hormones to calm down, so that you can later reassess the situation.

In the heart of all matters, we long to be seen, heard and understood. These desires are fulfilled in marriages and parenthood that are truly havens of safety.

You may find more information about Dr. Sharon Morris May at http://www.havenofsafety.com/old/aboutdrsharon.html.